[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
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My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
“What movie?” 🤔
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess