@LousyBastard: I'm sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn't notice.
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@david8hughes: [me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers] And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
@rockymomax: ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn't fit in here
@withanewname: Wife: "you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?" Me: "why?" W: M: W: "they're running along side the car"