I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
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the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you