I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
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Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project