I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
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My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
What?!?
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
wishing you and yours all the best
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*