@spacej_me: I'm sorry I got salsa on your baby and I'm extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
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@turkeyheadmac: Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don't apply the brakes
@MarfSalvador: Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee? Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don't look anything like a cup of coffee
@juliussharpe: A new study shows dolphins have great memory. Memories include "Swam in water" and "Ate".
@IAmMaggieMull: The idea that someone would be upset NOT to be invited to a wedding is so confusing to me.