@spacej_me: I'm sorry I got salsa on your baby and I'm extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
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@CornOnTheGoblin: [telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
@realHamOnWry: I don't understand people who practice polygamy. Why would anyone want more than one mother-in-law?
@Playing_Dad: Daughter: Daddy, why do you have to go to work everyday? Me: Do you like clothes? Daughter: Not really Me: Shut up
@TayTayJustine: Look, if you can take a smoke break, I should be able to take a twitter break. It's not like one addiction outweighs the other, HR!