From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
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On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.