Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
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My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Blew out my flip flop…
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom