I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
You Might Also Like
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I’ve been learning to cook.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee