@ShaeAaron: "I'm sorry. I haven't had sex for a very long time." -- and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
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@TheTweetOfGod: When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
@trims_the_fat: I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me. I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date Much more satisfying.
@Tmoney68: *Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine* "It's okay. Can't feel a difference." [5 minutes later] *Throws refrigerator out window*
@SaulOdenkirk: Boss: You drink everyday and I think you need an intervention.. Me: I work everyday so I should quit that too? Boss: No.. Me: Good talk