“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
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ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
he looks great for his age
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house