@RdrJay47: I'm sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can't afford to get sick right now.
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@hippieswordfish: everyone's always asking me 'is your son named after the movie?' and I'm like no idiot Sharknado's 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013
@AmericanGent69: Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run. Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
@FilthyRichmond: Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you'll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.