I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
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oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
The asteroid..
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
He-man has a Masters degree
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Brilliant!
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.