I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick