I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
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her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.