I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
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There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity