I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
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Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Digital security in Ancient Troy
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
S O O N
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.