“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
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I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.