[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
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I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun