My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
You Might Also Like
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.