I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
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if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
*seductively eats two tums*
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.