I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
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Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
A game married people play.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money