@imdaintyaf: I'm sorry I punched you in the face when you said "I love you". Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
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@Robert_Beau: Sunday Family Dinner: Mother In Law: Isn't that your third glass of wine? Me: Isn't that your third husband? MIL: M: MIL: M: Gravy?
@samalmightysam: I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped you? "You heard the song I was playing?" Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM "ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE"
@nbadag: [jurassic world] ME: so what ur saying is, no one milks the dinosaurs bc it's too dangerous TOUR GUIDE: that is not what i'm saying at all