I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
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It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
She was REALLY feeling it.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?