I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
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Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Brilliant!
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.