I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
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Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Some of y’all tomorrow …
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.