I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
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imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
No, he would not have.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
everyone’s a critic
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.