I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
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*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Breaking news:
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.