@LolaLuvsLollies: I'm sorry I said "sorry about your eyebrows" when you showed me your wedding photos
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@better_off_dad: New smartphone: $1,000 Monthly fees: $200 Data overages: $75 Never talking to anyone: Priceless.
@Rollinintheseat: Donald Trump always looks like he's trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
@Donna_McCoy: Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
@JohnLyonTweets: The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we'll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.