my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
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This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”