I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
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I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
dream blunt rotation
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence