I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
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Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Called it
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.