I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
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Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Lmao
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Camping tip: No.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Catering service
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
When your man makes a valid point
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER