@jctwritesstuff: I'm sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn't have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
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@mrtimlong: Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I'm starting to get annoyed.
@DistractedMomma: Can one of you please tell my ex husband that I died? I feel like it would be more believable coming from someone other than me.
@FauxFawx: [on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister] me: so...did you like the movie? caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
@mattgallo123: Whenever I'm drinking gatorade and wearing gym clothes I wonder if people think I'm exercising or if they know I'm hungover on laundry day.