I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
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If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Me if I was a dog
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”