I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
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My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Kermit goes Blue.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played