@mllebeckyrose: I'm sorry I slapped you but you didn't seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
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@JillianKarger: ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now? BF: No, that's not how it— ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
@Ms612: 911: What's your emergency? Me: Are you guys hiring? 911: This is an emergency line. Me: No shit. Why do you think I'm calling?
@vikkaroni: If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.