@mllebeckyrose: I'm sorry I slapped you but you didn't seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
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@markleggett: Whenever a woman tells me that she just wants to have a good time and sleep with me, I say "You can only pick one."
@LorieGZ: I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: 'Ya that was an accident.'
@NoTheOtherJohn: PILOT: This isn't funny, Ed. Let me in COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who'd like to hear a passage from the captain's dream journal?
@NorCalBratt: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Me, to my empty bag of Oreos.