I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
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[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Good boy 😂😂
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny