I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
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When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.