I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
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Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
HERE’S MARKY
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*