I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
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Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me