@AngelaEhh: I'm sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
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@sincir3000: Boss: tomorrow is pajama day at work. Me: I don't wear pajamas B: just wear whatever you sleep in M: ok, you asked for it.
@aveuaskew: For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn't that impressive.
@trevso_electric: Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won't understand how many calories are in it.
@panmidwest: Friend: you should come over tonight. we're watching 'How to Train Your Dragon 2' Me: Friend: Me: to what? Friend: