I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
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Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
The asteroid..
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*