I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
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Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.