I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
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Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.