My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
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Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Just a bush.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I’ve been drinking.