I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
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Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.