“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
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*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.