“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
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*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.