“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
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God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.