@Laser_Cat: I'm sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I'm only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
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@notacroc: TIM: how are you? ME: it's Monday TIM: yeah ME: the sun is up TIM: are u just listing facts? ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
@okimstillhungry: Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction Them: This is a corndog
@LimeyTheGreat: Went out to dinner last night & the hostess asked me "Where would you like to sit?" I replied "preferably on a seat." #accomplished
@MrMichaelRose: my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place