@30SecondJams: i'm sorry ms. jackson... i am
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@duumb: doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
@GashleyMadison: I love playing catch with my dogs when I'm drunk, because I don't have dogs when I'm sober.
@stephenjmolloy: Me: "I'm looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly." Ian: "I'm a medium." Me: "I need someone better than that."