@TheMichaelRock: I'm sorry my dollar isn't straight enough for you, homophobic vending machine.
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@mrjohndarby: restaurant Waiter: Your coffee Me: Could I have a little spoon please? Waiter: Certainly *delicately embraces me from behind* Me: lovely
@AaronFullerton: Before you buy that nice jacket online, ask yourself: "Am I willing to delete one extra email every day for the rest of my life?"
@Dschnoeb: Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can't love me at my bad jokes, you don't deserve me at my cat photos.
@PaperWash: It's not about retweets or followers, it's about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible