[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
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HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Nice try Hitler
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.