I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
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im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Home is where your toilet is.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Bring back the McRib
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?