I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
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Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”